Marriage equality was supposed to be the beginning of something—not the end. But after the legal victory, the conversation about what marriage demands of us faded into the background, drowned out by an ever-expanding emphasis on individual self-expression and maximal autonomy.
The Episcopal Church and LGBTQ+ activists championed same-sex marriage as a matter of justice, but what if they had championed it as a matter of transformation? What if, alongside the fight for inclusion, they had also insisted that marriage must mean the same thing for everyone—that it must come with the same expectations of monogamy, fidelity, and the discipline of lifelong partnership?
Instead, marriage was won on the language of rights, not responsibilities, and today, the institution feels more fragile than ever. The conversation has largely ignored the obligations of marriage—the vows to forsake all others, to remain faithful through struggle, to build a life that is not just about personal fulfillment, but about sacrifice and lasting commitment. If same-sex marriage is to be truly equal, it cannot be only about recognition—it must be about obligation as well.
This blog is about defending same-sex marriage—not only as a legal right, but as a moral vocation. It is about monogamy as an expectation, not an optional lifestyle choice. Most of all, it is about building the cultural and institutional support needed to make it work.
The Episcopal Church must play the role only it can to ensure same-sex marriage delivers on its true promise for LGBTQ+ Americans. It was one of the first religious institutions to invite gay Americans into the sacrament and to champion marriage equality, but now it must do the harder work of reinforcing what marriage requires. Protecting marriage equality means recognizing that same-sex couples, like all couples, deserve not just the right to marry, but the support to stay married—to honor the vows that have always defined this institution. That is the next step in making marriage fully equal.
What to Expect
Over the next two months, I will be posting a weekly essay making the case that defending marriage equality requires strengthening the cultural, social, and spiritual foundations of marriage itself. With your help, I hope to persuade the Episcopal Church to rededicate itself to supporting same-sex couples in the vocation and discipline of monogamous marriage. These essays will trace the evolution of the marriage equality movement, examine the key figures who laid its intellectual foundation, explore the cultural and biological roots of monogamy, and argue why the Episcopal Church must now take the lead in sustaining marriage as a covenant. They will be both deeply personal—reflecting on my own journey and experiences—and grounded in scholarship.
In addition, this newsletter will feature analyses of public opinion and social science data I’ve collected over the years, along with a resource in the form of FAQs responding to arguments from the “liberationist” left to the fundamentalist right.
I recognize that these topics are both controversial and deeply personal. But marriage equality was won not by avoiding difficult conversations, but by engaging in them—by winning hearts and minds through honest, sometimes uncomfortable dialogue. Yet even as we fought for the right to marry, we neglected the harder question: Were gay and lesbian couples embracing the same norms and expectations the institution has always required, or was marriage equality merely about recognition and entitlement? This is the long-overdue conversation I hope this newsletter fosters.
Whether you are Episcopalian, Christian, or simply someone who believes that marriage equality is best defended by strengthening the commitments it entails, join me in The Episcopal Church to reaffirm monogamy as the sacred standard for all marriages, and to take up its moral responsibility to form, support, and renew same-sex marriages with spiritual seriousness and pastoral care.
About the Author
Your author is a sinner who has failed many, many times in living up to the virtues of marriage—including monogamy. I have wandered the wilderness of doubt, experienced crises of faith, and have seen the empty abyss where hedonism ultimately leads. I often questioned whether the same standards and expectations of traditional marriage, including monogamy, were relevant or realistic for the lives of gay men like myself. Yet, I have also been blessed to experience deep, loving relationships that filled my most profound human yearning: to share my life, body, and soul with one person—to fall in love. But as we all know, the initial euphoric attraction fades, and it is only through deep commitment that a relationship endures, grows, and transforms.
True love is not simply an emotion or a physiological process. Real love is defined by sacrifice—at least the love we learn about through the Christian faith. Monogamy is the defining sacrifice of marriage; it is a denial of self, a profound demonstration of fidelity and commitment. It requires discipline, resilience, and an understanding that marriage is not a state of perpetual romantic bliss but a lifelong act of devotion. Monogamy is as relevant for gay couples as it is for straight couples, and perhaps even more transformational for those of us who never had societal structures reinforcing it. It also requires self-discipline that I wish I had been given more time and opportunity to nurture and practice.
In my first relationship of seventeen years, I was a cheater and never fully grasped the consequences—not just for the man I loved, but for myself. Infidelity is not merely a betrayal of another; it is a slow unraveling of one's own integrity, a diminishment of character, and ultimately, a loss of the very thing that makes love meaningful: trust.
With the next man I fell in love with came the return of God, Church, and faith to my life. When we married, we were committing ourselves to each other as well as to a higher calling. For him, it was a lifelong journey toward ordained ministry. For me, it was the privilege of supporting him in that vocation and spending my life devoted to our joint ministry. First as the spouse of a seminarian and then of a priest, I was welcomed into a tradition and community that offered profound spiritual grounding.
But I also came to realize something deeply unsettling: within the Episcopal Church, many LGBTQ clerics and laypersons held a radically different understanding of what marriage is and requires—particularly around monogamy. Many believed that monogamy is institutionalized repression, that adultery is not a sin, and that there is nothing inherently virtuous about monogamous marriage because it is an outdated relic of heteronormativity. Ultimately, my marriage could not endure the contradictions—the gap between the vows we took and the realities we allowed.
I witnessed firsthand the “Beloved Community” the Episcopal Church strives to build—its radical hospitality, its deep commitment to social justice, its emphasis on inclusion. But I also saw a profound neglect of marriage as a moral institution. While the Episcopal Church has done the vital work of fighting for marriage equality, it has not consistently reinforced the deeper obligations that come with marriage. In some communities, I saw profound reverence for marriage as a vocation; in others, I encountered an almost casual disregard for monogamy as a virtue.
And so, I write not as someone who has perfectly lived these values, but as someone who has failed them, suffered the consequences, and come to believe in their necessity. Monogamy is not an arbitrary constraint—it is the very foundation of lifelong love. It is what makes marriage not just a contract, but a covenant. If same-sex marriage is to fulfill its promise, then we must insist that it be taken seriously—not as a symbol, but as a discipline.
It is time for the Episcopal Church to lead the way toward making marriage truly equal.
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